I have tried. For 13 long years since I discovered empowerment I have wanted to be better, do better, have more. But why? That’s the question I ask myself now. 13 years later broke, alone, and overweight – Is this the dream I signed up for?
I worked so hard for things I don’t even want. Millions. A big car. A large fancy house. Things that to me signify responsibility, debt, hard work. But “they” said I must want it otherwise I am limited in mind. “They” tell me to have it all is what life is all about. God wants me to have it “they” tell me.
The truth is there is only one reason why I want. If I am 100% honest with myself I want because I believe I am not good enough to get. I want because it will mean I have succeeded in the eyes of man. I want because I believe what I have already is not enough. I want because I can only imagine the happiness that will come from getting. I want so I can throw it in the face of those who do not have. I want so I can throw it in the face of those who want to see me fail. I want so I can prove myself.
In the process. While I don’t have. While I strive for all the wrong reasons. I make my life a living hell. I strive. I charge on cards to pay back next month. I mount up debt. I pay to attend the seminars “they” run. I get no where. I enjoy nothing. I sink further.
At what point does life become okay just because I experience it? I can go to work. Pay my bills. Have fun with friends. Sit at home and be with family. I can enjoy food instead of torturing myself about what I eat every day. I can enjoy where I am despite the fact that I only have 20.00 left in my account. Can’t I? Is happiness still possible in those moments?
Why do I want so much more? Who said there is something wrong with not wanting it? I talk with friends about what we want and how we will work towards getting what we want to experience. Years and years of talk but still, like a boomerang, we fly back to our original place of nothing and lack.
What if I could want because I believe I could get? What if my wanting came from a place of certainty that it would happen. Maybe there is still hope. I can see I won’t become what I want if wanting is from a place of what I don’t have. If wanting is from a place of wanting to prove to others that I am worthy.
If I come from a place of wanting simply because it is something I choose to experience or a place of certainty Will my experiences and results be different? What will I give up? Would I write if no one read anything I ever wrote? Would I write if no one ever liked anything I wrote? Could I write for the simple pleasure of self expression no matter what other people may say?
Maya Angelou taught Oprah Winfrey and Oprah Winfrey taught me “what you know better, you do better”
Do I know better?